The post in which I talk about being Fat...

Even as I'm typing this, I'm not sure I'll hit the publish button. But I feel driven to put it down in writing. And if I can't put down my most constant and hindering struggle on my blog, what's the point of my having a blog at all? This is the journal of my life. And only posting the highlights makes it seem fake. And whatever else I may be, "fake" is not one of my characteristics. In fact, "fake" people make my ass twitch.

See, I already feel kind of guilty about saying ass in this post. Because I'm also going to talk about God. And surely a woman who declares she is a Christian wouldn't say ass. But there's that fake thing again. Because I cuss every day. I'm not proud. It is just a fact. My son will tell you I have a problem with the word whore. It's true. I drop something, I say, "You whore!" I don't know why. And I AM working on that. That's part of me I don't like. But, I say it. That's a fact.

It is also a fact that I am fat. Obese. Fluffy. Living large. I don't think I've hidden that fact on my blog, but I typically only post pictures of myself from the shoulders up. And if more than one of my chins are showing, I edit the extras off. {ummm..FAKE!}

So...here's the most recent full body picture I have of myself and it was taken last June. LAST June. I don't want to be afraid of the camera anymore.



Since I'm being honest {not fake} - I also edit my eyes in hopes of lessening the appearance of my undereye baggage. Here ya go - full on baggy eyes picture.



{hey, I didn't say I wasn't cute!...wink, wink}

Ok, I'm losing track. The point of this post is to say I am doing Weight Watchers. Again. I'm trying to change my habits. Again. Only, I don't want to say "again." It's just that when you've tried to lose weight as often as I have and you have FAILED...you don't want anyone to have the chance to say it first. A lady in my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday evening started crying as she shared she was keeping her participation a secret from her husband. She just couldn't bear to see the disappointment on his face if she FAILED. Again.

I get this. Though the disappointed face I don't want to see is my own.

On to the most important reason for my post today. My friend, Cindy, is on this weight loss journey with me. We attend meetings together. We were IM'ing this morning. I was lamenting over just HOW MUCH weight I need to lose overall. She was encouraging me to make smaller goals, take it a day at a time, etc. At the conclusion of our conversation, I picked up Jesus Calling, a devotional I am reading daily. For January 18, I read:



I am leading you along the high road, but there are descents as well as ascents. In the distance you see snow-covered peaks glistening in brilliant sunlight. Your longing to reach those peaks is good, but you must not take shortcuts. Your assignment is to follow Me, allowing Me to direct your path. Let the heights beckon you onward, but stay close to Me.

Oh, the JOY I felt at reading those words! The reassurance that he knows me! That this would be the devotional I read on the exact day that I needed it. Encouraging me to perservere and work for my goal and accept it will take time, there will be struggles, but if I follow Him I will soar.

You see, sometimes I think my weight loss is part of a bigger plan the Lord has for me. In my heart, I believe if I can conquer, if I can trust in the Lord to help me conquer, this weight loss thing, that he will reveal to me other pieces of His plan along the way.

And it will be greater than anything I can possibly imagine from where I am standing now.

By the way, week one and down 4.4 lbs.