Friday, January 18, 2013

The post in which I talk about being Fat...

Even as I'm typing this, I'm not sure I'll hit the publish button. But I feel driven to put it down in writing. And if I can't put down my most constant and hindering struggle on my blog, what's the point of my having a blog at all? This is the journal of my life. And only posting the highlights makes it seem fake. And whatever else I may be, "fake" is not one of my characteristics. In fact, "fake" people make my ass twitch.

See, I already feel kind of guilty about saying ass in this post. Because I'm also going to talk about God. And surely a woman who declares she is a Christian wouldn't say ass. But there's that fake thing again. Because I cuss every day. I'm not proud. It is just a fact. My son will tell you I have a problem with the word whore. It's true. I drop something, I say, "You whore!" I don't know why. And I AM working on that. That's part of me I don't like. But, I say it. That's a fact.

It is also a fact that I am fat. Obese. Fluffy. Living large. I don't think I've hidden that fact on my blog, but I typically only post pictures of myself from the shoulders up. And if more than one of my chins are showing, I edit the extras off. {ummm..FAKE!}'s the most recent full body picture I have of myself and it was taken last June. LAST June. I don't want to be afraid of the camera anymore.

Since I'm being honest {not fake} - I also edit my eyes in hopes of lessening the appearance of my undereye baggage. Here ya go - full on baggy eyes picture.

{hey, I didn't say I wasn't cute!...wink, wink}

Ok, I'm losing track. The point of this post is to say I am doing Weight Watchers. Again. I'm trying to change my habits. Again. Only, I don't want to say "again." It's just that when you've tried to lose weight as often as I have and you have don't want anyone to have the chance to say it first. A lady in my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday evening started crying as she shared she was keeping her participation a secret from her husband. She just couldn't bear to see the disappointment on his face if she FAILED. Again.

I get this. Though the disappointed face I don't want to see is my own.

On to the most important reason for my post today. My friend, Cindy, is on this weight loss journey with me. We attend meetings together. We were IM'ing this morning. I was lamenting over just HOW MUCH weight I need to lose overall. She was encouraging me to make smaller goals, take it a day at a time, etc. At the conclusion of our conversation, I picked up Jesus Calling, a devotional I am reading daily. For January 18, I read:

I am leading you along the high road, but there are descents as well as ascents. In the distance you see snow-covered peaks glistening in brilliant sunlight. Your longing to reach those peaks is good, but you must not take shortcuts. Your assignment is to follow Me, allowing Me to direct your path. Let the heights beckon you onward, but stay close to Me.

Oh, the JOY I felt at reading those words! The reassurance that he knows me! That this would be the devotional I read on the exact day that I needed it. Encouraging me to perservere and work for my goal and accept it will take time, there will be struggles, but if I follow Him I will soar.

You see, sometimes I think my weight loss is part of a bigger plan the Lord has for me. In my heart, I believe if I can conquer, if I can trust in the Lord to help me conquer, this weight loss thing, that he will reveal to me other pieces of His plan along the way.

And it will be greater than anything I can possibly imagine from where I am standing now.

By the way, week one and down 4.4 lbs.


Susan said...

Wow, I am so proud of you. You can do it...I believe.
Keep up the good work, Susan

JoAnn ( Scene Through My Eyes) said...

I like your honesty. This is not an easy thing for anyone to do - to open up about something that they are having trouble with. I love the full shot of you - and your face - it shows honesty and sweetness (and yes you are cute) Someone once said to me that they realized too late, that they were never in photos with their family and kids and their excuse was, I'm always the one taking the photos. So now I hand off my camera to someone else - I can always edit out the photos of me I don't care for, but I want my grandsons to have pictures of me with them through the years - after all, they are going to remember what I looked like, whether they have photos or not, not being in a photo isn't going to change their memories - and I want them to have tangible memories of being with me. I am in pictures with my kids.

I am not a Christian - but I'm liberal and allow for all beliefs and honor those who stand true to their beliefs. If you are going to be in the church - be a good in-the-church person and I think that you prove this by your statements of trying to be honest and trying to fix what you don't approve of in yourself, rather than battering us with "truths" that sound phony when a person doesn't really live by them. I do admire you.

Keep up the good work - not just the weight loss (because I believe we are who we are and need to accept that at the present time before we can move to something else) but try to admire yourself for your good points and you have lots of them - maybe even write them down - give yourself a valentine - I like me because . . .

Thanks for the inspiration - the honesty and the great photos. You go girl!

Jenny said...

You are beautiful. And I know you in person!

But the thing is, you have to feel beautiful.

Tiny steps, Amy. Tiny steps!

Proud of you!

robyn said...

I need encouragment too. I can't afford the program right now, but maybe if someone would "DOG" me I could try it on my own.Maybe even an "e" pal would help

Anonymous said...

You brought me to tears with this post. You are beautiful inside and out. I love you so much.

the middle sister