I ask Him why a lot. As in, "Why me?" or "Why not me?" And I listen. Waiting for the answer as if a note is going to drift down from the heavens and, not only answer my question, but also give me a timeline and what to do in the meantime.
This "why me or why not me" stuff is not new. I clearly remember as child imploring to the heavens, "God! Why do I have to be shy AND chubby AND have this damnable dry skin?" Ok, I probably didn't utter the word damnable, but, you know what I mean. Surely there was no other girl on earth that had to deal with all THREE of these traits at ONCE!
My whys are different now. But probably no more mature. No more thought out and reflected upon.
"Why can't I have the fulfilling career I want, exactly how I want it?"
"Why do these awesome God filled things seem to happen to EVERYone but ME?
I'm not proud of the questions.
I'm not proud of the self-pity.
I KNOW how blessed I am. How LOVED I am...by my Father in heaven, by my husband, my son and my circle of family and friends.
But I still ask, "WHY can't I hear You speak to me Lord? Why don't You show me what to do to achieve my dreams? Why are THEY more special? More deserving?"
I read blogs. Blogs I LOVE to read. And I'm jealous. I compare. And I know comparison is the thief of joy and all that. I KNOW it. Yet, I still want to crawl into their situation. I want to be MORE than I am. For me, for my husband, for my son, for Him. But I don't know how. And I sometimes...for real... feel like He selfishly just won't tell me or show me what steps to take. And I'm ashamed for feeling that way.
But, then sometimes, I realize the problem is my lack of praying, my lack of LISTENING for an answer, and my lack of DOING.
This is my struggle right now.